If you and your partner have started the closing the distance conversation then choosing where y’all will live has probably come up.
When Tuomas and I first started talking about closing the distance, we wanted to keep an open mind to the living situation.
We had discussed back and forth about who would live where.
It also prompted us to have longer meet-ups in each other’s countries so we could better understand what our everyday lives would look like there.
In the end, I chose to move to Finland.
There were many reasons why I chose to move to Tuomas after we closed the distance. One big reason was that it was always my dream.
As a kid I never saw myself living in the US, I saw myself living in Europe. It was just a feeling I had since then.
Then the first time I went to Finland I felt it, this is where I am supposed to be, this country.
I guess it’s when they say “when you know you know.”
5 Conversations You Have to Have Before Closing the Distance LDR
Of course, I am way too logical and paranoid to just go by feeling alone.
I wanted to make sure we were both making the best decisions for each other.
There would be no point in closing the distance if both of y’all can’t thrive as individuals once you are together.
There’s a lot of things to consider when choosing where you will close the distance.
Here are the conversations we had to have in order to make our decision to start a life together in Finland.
Find Out What’s Important for Each Other
When Tuomas and I talked about what was important to us, he mentioned his family.
I have known that Tuomas and his family were really close, I honestly love that about their relationship.
So we talked about how much he would want to visit them if he lived in the US.
If he lived in the US, he would want to go visit his family multiple times a year and for 3 weeks to a month at a time.
Whereas, I was okay with seeing my family once a year. I have a long distance relationship with my family too.
It’s important to talk about what are the things that matter most to your partner.
When you and your partner are able to clearly communicate to each other your wants and needs for a happy life it makes it easier for y’all to decide where to live.
Talking about your wants and needs also helps y’all to picture the life you want together, as well as figure out the expectations.
Doing this now helps create a solid foundation for your life together after closing the distance.
Look at the Cost of Living for Each of Your Areas
This is when you and your partner will have to talk about finances.
It sounds boring and mind numbing, but it’s important to have an understanding of how much it would cost to live in another country.
Having a conversation about living expenses also gives you an idea of how much you need to save up before closing the distance.
It is recommended to save up to 6 months for the cost of living when moving to a new country.
That way you have enough time to get settled in without stressing about what you need to do next.
When you and your partner discuss the cost of living, understand it is more than just rent.
You are also talking about transportation, food, monthly utilities, and things y’all want to do once you live together.
Get a good idea of how much each of you would have to save in order to start a life with each other.
Once you figure that out talk about how you’ll save money and make money.
Discuss How You’ll Make Money After Closing the Distance
We also had to talk about the opportunities we would have after closing the distance.
We started to look more into what it would be like if we had to start a job and find work in each other’s country.
When we looked at jobs for Tuomas major it was hard to find ones that aligned with what he had been working towards all these years.
He specializes in the history of Finland, so he needs to be in Finland to really flourish.
I was at a job I didn’t love anymore, and I knew that staying in the medical field would burn me out.
I was okay with having a career change and I liked the idea of starting my own business.
This was a fun activity we did, we looked at jobs in each other’s areas, and looked into how much it would cost to go back to school in that area.
Another possibility is looking into remote work. A benefit of 2020 is it seems that more and more industries are having remote work as an option.
Start the conversation with your current jobs too, see if they have an option for you to work remotely.
Once you and your partner have a clearer picture of what you will do to have an income, you’ll feel more confident about closing the distance.
What You Will Gain and What Will You Lose
I saw Finland as an opportunity for me to grow and start living the life I have always wanted to.
I was tired of the lifestyle in the US 😫
Finland provided a change for me, a new way to look at my lifestyle.
When we talked about the possibility of Tuomas moving to the US, he would have had a harder time finding the communities he wanted for playing pool.
Use this time to talk to your partner about the lives that you want to live if you were in each other countries.
Really figure out what would be the best lifestyle for you and your partner.
When you close the distance, you and your partner are choosing to live a life together.
It is best if the person who is moving is able to set up a life for themselves outside of their partner.
Yes, you will be closing the distance to be with your love, but you should also be doing it for yourself too.
Make sure to weigh the pros and cons of living in each other’s area before making a decision on where you will live.
Consider Who is Better at Adapting to Change
Another big deciding factor for us was asking each other, who would be better at handling change.
Based on my life experiences, I have learned to embrace change.
I could be chaos-seeking but I find the idea of a new adventure and figuring out life in a new country to be very exciting.
Tuomas on the other hand was filled with existential dread just thinking about moving to the US.
The one who is better at accepting change will find that they are the one who is also more flexible in the relationship.
If that’s you and you’re choosing to move to your partner, then I know y’all will have great success when closing the distance.
This flexibility allows you to get through the stressful sides of closing the distance, and you are less likely to get into arguments about the transition.
When Should You Not Move to Your Partner?
After talking to your partner about where you’ll live when closing the distance.
Make sure you are able to see the place where you are staying and if need be what your partner’s finances are like.
If you find that it’s hard to get this information from your partner then that’s a red flag and you need to stay where you’re at until you get that info.
Also, you shouldn’t move if things are unsteady in the relationship. Moving in with each other never fixes a relationship.
All it does is add gasoline to an already burning dumpster fire.
Lastly, if it doesn’t feel right, then figure out why.
Give yourself time to reflect on where those fears and doubts are coming from once you have identified them, talk to your partner about them.
Who’s Moving to Who?
When it comes to closing the distance, everything you are feeling with your partner should be out in the open. Including your doubts, fears, and worries.
Share with them what you are scared of and what you are most excited about.
If things seem too stressful let them know.
If you need them to come to the airport to get you, let them know.
I am sure they would be happy to fly with you to close the distance.
If you and your partner need any help with planning and preparing for closing the distance, be sure to check out the Closing the Distance Binder Set