I am not going to lie, it’s hard to write about this topic. In the LDR community, we are all very supportive of each other and in their relationships.
Sometimes relationships don’t work out the way we intended.
Especially if you have ever done a google search about meetups gone wrong. You’ll find plenty of horror stories about it, some of those stories might even make you question your healthy relationship.
This guide is intended for both parties. Even if you and your partner don’t like each other, y’all still deserve respect.
Prior to dating Tuomas, I had been in other long distance relationships. These prior LDRs were more local, some being an hour drive to a 10-hour drive.
All of those relationships were failed LDRs.
Because of those failed LDRs, I had a better plan when I went to meet Tuomas for the first time if the meet-up went wrong.
Understand Your Feelings
Before anything else, the first thing you should do is take some time for yourself to process all your feelings.
Also, know that if I could give you a hug I would ❤
Try to find a quiet area so you can understand what’s going on around you. Take this time to breathe so you are able to center yourself.
By doing this you are helping your brain find ways to respond to what is going on rather than reacting to the situation.
When you are going through this process, avoid blaming yourself. If you and your partner have been doing video calls on the regular then there is nothing else you could do.
Sometimes things don’t work out. And that’s okay.
Be respectful to yourself during this process, try to avoid negative self-talk and narratives. Remember to be kind to yourself, you deserve love.
Be Respectful to Each Other
This is an awkward conversation to have with your partner. At the same time, you owe it to yourself and them, and however long you’ve been dating to show up and be respectful.
Ghosting them at the airport or anywhere else during the meet-up is the absolute worst thing to do, especially when they have traveled to see you.
This is also very painful for the person who is getting ghosted.
When I was in high school I was talking to this guy online for a few months. We agreed to meet in person at the mall since it was the halfway point to where we lived.
He never showed up. I was heartbroken.
That day too, I had a feeling he wouldn’t show up. The signs were all there, but I still wanted to give the person the opportunity.
Who knows maybe he got there and saw me then dipped out. Or at least that was the narrative I told myself at the time.
If the person is traveling to you, no matter how far the distance is, you owe them respect. Even if that means it’ll be awkward for you.
Don’t forget that just because you met your partner online, it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. We are all still human beings with delicate minds and hearts.
Honesty is the Best Policy
Part of being respectful is being honest with your partner. Let them know that don’t want to progress the relationship as lovers.
When you do this, try to use the “I approach”. Center it around you, these are your feelings, because they are your feelings it doesn’t give you the right to shift blame onto them.
During this time, be open and truthful about your feelings. If you felt like you were deceived let them know, if you feel like the communication is the cause, or if just don’t feel like you’re compatible with each other.
Then let them know.
While you are talking about everything, remember to be respectful. This situation doesn’t give you an “opportunity” to be hateful.
When you have this conversation with them, do it in a private space, without a crowd. Give them closure by also allowing them to have a chance to talk about their feelings.
Talk Things Out
If you want to try to salvage the relationship then talking things out with your partner is the only way to reclaim and recreate the relationship.
In order to do this, both parties have to be willing. You can’t force someone to feel the way you want them to.
If you are able to have a discussion, then talk about all the negative emotions you both have been feeling.
Y’all will both be vulnerable during this discussion so please be respectful to each other. During this conversation try to remain level-headed.
Some relationship problems you can’t fix right away, especially if your partner is demonstrating any relationship red flags.
Don’t Have Sex to Try to “Fix it”
If there is anything I don’t want you to do, it’s this. Please don’t have sex to try to fix the relationship.
As someone who has been there done, that got the t-shirt. Trust me, no amount of great sex can fix a broken relationship.
The only thing that can fix a broken relationship is communicating with each other about what is going on.
Again from experience, the pain I felt after hooking up with an ex was horrible. Honestly, I was just setting myself up for failure.
I was idealizing what this person and I once shared with each other. But after it was all over, I also realized why it never worked out in the first place.
Sex isn’t a magical band-aid for a broken relationship.
Have a Backup Plan
I am a strong believer in backup plans. Hell, my backup plans even have a backup plan. That’s why I carry a credit card with me during meet-ups.
It’s not for YOLO moments, it’s for in case of emergencies. In case things do work out, in case I need to take an emergency flight home.
That credit card should only be used for emergency situations during travel.
Including, if things aren’t working out during a meet-up. Use the time before you meet-up to research things you can do in the area on your own. Hotels that you would want to stay at and that are affordable.
By creating a backup plan ahead of time you will feel less stressed during an already overwhelming situation.
My Hopes for You and Your Long Distance Relationship
While writing this, I am hopeful that you are just reading this as a precautionary measure. That you are just trying to find ways to work through all these nerves you may be feeling.
At the same time, I know that that is wishful thinking.
There will be some of you that find this article because you are currently in this situation and don’t know what to do from here.
To those of you going through this situation currently, I want you to remember that you are loved. You have a loving support system with people you know in real life, online, and within the LDR community.
It might be hard to stay around the LDR community after a breakup but understand that some of those friendships will help you through during this time.
You might even be someone like me, who has always been more drawn to long distance relationships. If so use this experience as a stepping stone to unlocking your greater relationship potential.